Julye-chan

The recent incident has finally sent me into this realization.
Pain is so intricate, and coping with the loss of a loved one is a selfish process itself: you will never be able to comprehend the pain unless you are the one who loses. Even when we all share the same loss, each of us reacts differently to death and employs personal coping mechanisms for grief. I don't ever expect to receive any sort of comfort from people who simply don't lose the same thing - same person I have lost; even people who have experienced loss would not feel the same pain as I do, since they are themselves and I am me. So please, please do me this favor and let me be with my pain.

Please, do not ever tell me to get over it and move on; logically, human beings are naturally resilient, considering most of us can endure loss and then continue on with our own lives, yes yes, we all are aware of that. We also know that death is a part of us and there is no point in denying it, but correct me if I'm wrong, mourning is also a certain part that we go through in one way or another. I don't express entirely the pain I am enduring doesn't mean I am moving on; or even if I do express it a little more than I usually allow myself to, it doesn't mean I am unaware of what I am selfishly doing - I do want to be selfish for once, so please, let me be. If you are going through a loss, I will ensure to never tell you to move on nor anything pointless, for silence is the best thing in the world to me. So would it be the end of the world for you to do the same thing for me?

There's really nothing in this material world that could soothe this sort of pain, but I'm fine mourning like this, because he is an important friend who I treasured with all my heart, and that is the precise way I am going to continue treasuring him in my heart and memories until the end of my life. I want to keep grieving until the day I'm sure that he is no longer in pain. For that reason, would you mind stop judging and wondering, and let me be with my own selfish grief?

Thank you so much for being with me, for making an effort to understand, for everything. There are ones in this loss who need more comfort than I ever do, you know? The ones who might never be able to get over this pain...

Hi. So I kinda dropped back here and realization hit me hard: wow, I haven't been on dA in AGES and my dA is all dusty now D: That also means I haven't drawn anything in forever, what a fail :"(

So...I figured I'll update something, even as stupid as this journal.

Life has been a massive joke to me. My grandma just left us, and I couldn't even manage to come with her to her final resting place because I was sick to the point I couldn't even move in bed and I had to take sick leave from work for weeks, again.
What the hell is wrong with those jokes, or did I do something wrong in my past?

Yeah, anyways, it's been a month and I just got back to work today, and feeling utterly depressed because I have a feeling that nothing would quite be the same as before anymore.
Everything is changing so fast and I'm getting so old already.
So sad, so sad.

I can't drown myself in writing forever, can I?

Trust me, I wish I could draw the way I used to do everyday, I really do...
I want to be able to draw again, to have inspiration again.
To be free.

Life is such an unending string of jokes and frustration.

Missed you guys, my old friends...

Do you know the feeling of waking up and seeing nothing but darkness?
Do you know the feeling of not being able to eat, not being able to sleep, not being able to do anything but lie on bed and cry all day?
Alone, I mean.

Perhaps I'm a drama queen.

Not like anyone can understand, anyways. It is my cross to bear. Mine.

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So it is decided that 2 dental surgeries will be coming after the blood test is complete.

Don't know what I should be feeling right now.

Oh, it's gonna be painful, yeah, great.

And the rain keeps pouring down. Not making things any brighter.
The number keep increasing every year yet the saying stays the same:
Happy 23rd birthday to me.

In another way of saying, hello, you are 23 years old already, can you see that?

23 years old. 23 years of living. Have I ever wondered, what good have I ever done to life? To people in my life?
I remember myself writing the same thing 4 years ago, my heart still so full of dreams and hope and life, and then them all being replaced by despair and pain the next year, and the next with bitterness, and to this very moment.

I remember myself stumbling.

I remember falling.

I remember standing up.

Collapsing again.

Losing.

Weeping.

I remember seeing people walk in and out of my life. Letting them.

I remember changing.

Every single day going by was another change brought by fate, and I accept it with open arms. Challenges are no longer sweet. Just like every year, the smile stays put yet fragments of the once whole heart keep falling.
They are still here, mom and dad, sacrificing everyday for me, without getting anything in return. Have I ever feel ashamed at myself for that? Yes, yes I have.

Explains why I never stop trying.

Going to church everyday, receiving happiness from Mighty Father is a no more, and now the haunting past follows me at every step I take in life. Mourning it somewhat has become a second nature to me that I realized I can't live without.

I have learned so much more bitterness. Giving up must be one of the hardest lessons.

Friends. Undefined concept, unstable faith. They come and go, we accept it, and get used to it. For those who have stayed even until now, right besides me, I thank you. It would never be enough to thank you, so I just said it once. All you have to do is to look at my heart, and you get my point.

For those who have left, farewell. No hard feelings, thank you very much for your time.

My family is still the keeper of my entire heart.
And God is always the keeper of my soul.

I hope today would be a nice memory for me to recall later on. I write on my birthday, not because I am trying to make myself important. No. I simply want to take a look back, and then at myself, to see who I have become today. Good or not enough, I still am thankful for my parents, and everyone in my life, for staying.

I can't say I love you all, learning it is meaningless. I can only say I love you, the ones who own my heart and are willing to keep it.

Thank you for reading.

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Trời đổ mưa. Ngày em hai mươi ba.
Ngần ấy năm rồi, em tự hỏi,
cuối cùng thì mình đã làm được gì cho đời,
hay vẫn mãi chỉ là một vầng trăng khuất bóng lẻ loi?

23 năm rồi. Em thật tệ, em ơi.

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Here I was so damn saddened and worried over you, funny, but I learned my lesson now, it was all so damn fruitless. How is it even possible for you to be unhappy when you have so many, many, many, many people who care for you, who love you, who go crazy over you, people who you are actually HAPPY to welcome and have endless conversations with? Why would I matter? Why would I - a freaking stupid, quiet, blind outsider - mean anything to you? No matter how much I've given up for you, it's all still pointless because I've always meant nothing to you since day one, I know. I wonder if you even remember my name.

Yes, yes, it was totally my bad for getting so worked up over trivial things such as your happiness, of course you are always happy without me in your life.

They say, crying is a good thing because tears wash away the pain. I refuse to believe in such, because right now the pain stays put.

I will just stop trying from now on, being fruitless as it is, like a shadow coming and leaving with the wind. When this light is over, I'll definitely be gone from your sight, your life.

And you'll be always happy that way.