*Warning: You really don't have to read this as I'm afraid it might bring back some bad memories to you...Just ignore this lame journal entry ^^As I've cried too much in these 4 days, I suddenly came to realize so many things...
The things I wish I would have realized a little sooner, just a little sooner... Now it's come to the point I'm wasting too much tears and yet I still remain as the same useless brat, I guess the irony has finally decided to play with us a little further and harsher.
I suppose I deserve it.
The day grandfather was sent back to the hospital in such an emergency 10 days ago, I started to come slowly to this point, but I still appeared to be cold. I appeared to be cold, for what, in the bloody hell? I don't know, but I did, for God's sake. And I was angry because I thought he was overreacting again.
Oh-my-God, what was I thinking? What the fuck was I thinking? What the fuck was in my head that made me think of such a possibility?I'm screwed!When I came to learn about his severe sickness (which was kind of expected), I was starting to feel bad for not feeling TOO bad as I was supposed to feel. What was that, I really became to hate my indifferent mask way too much, it made me feel like a heartless monster! The need to rip it off didn't take long before the worry and anxiousness overtook me. I could no longer appear like a cold freak when everyone was already worrying too much, crying too much.
I started to think of the worst as those image forming in my head, and it exploded the day his life was in danger, everyone immediately dropped their work and rushed to the hospital.
EVERYONE but ME...I did not know then, I probably was in school, or taking exams, or just simply I didnt know.
Until the day the reaper paid him a visit again, which was 4 days ago, the realization finally hit me hard. The hospital, the emergency room, the heartbreaking news that his heart had stopped beating, and dad was already in the room to help. What was that feeling...everyone was sitting and hugging their legs tightly to their chests, some were walking to and fro, depression was the only thing we shared on our faces. I sat in a darkest corner near the room, with that big door locked by chains...I had to try my best to shake the image of Hell's Gate off my head, yet the depression was still there, around me, in my heart, my mind. I now remembered the reason why I hated going to this place so much, just that before it had never been this gloomy.
Gray must be the color.It is the color of every doom in the world, which reflects the most horrible reality that no horror movie can compare with. I was scared of it, so scared that every time there was someone walked out from that locked door, my heart jumped out of my chest. And I knew I was not the only one.
And what kind of a situation was that? Grandfather had always wished to be taken care of by all of his loved ones, desperately, and there they were, outside the room, praying and crying, even the one who had appeared to abandon him, and the ones he had pretended he did not care anymore. And now grandfather did not know a thing. And grandma was still staying at home, already mentally dead to the world from the memory loss and many types of sickness.
I could not stop wondering, what kind of a situation was that? What kind of an irony was that? What was left to us once they're gone?We didn't even have much time to feel relieved upon knowing he made it through the long pause of heart beat, as dad came out after another long, exhausting wait, shaking his head, "they said he might not make it through tonight.". What was that expression? Where was the hope I had always seen on his face even when we all had been in the edge of giving up? Where were all the good things he had always told us, that grandpa was going to be fine? Where was my optimistic daddy that I desperately needed so much at that time?
We were pushed into the waves of despair again. My aunt cried while praying, I'd never seen her cry before...it was so depressing, I even had to question myself again what they were praying for if they was going to give up their faiths in the end. I could not blame them, we were grieving, so grieving that I could no longer see the light in my life. We human beings are so desperate, and in the most desperate moments when there is nothing left for us but despair, the only thing we can do is to pray.
Praying and crying. Praying and crying. Praying in despair and crying in hopelessness, and praying more, and crying more.I fought hard against my feelings to go home as I was told for me being completely useless there. Everyone was useless towards fate. Duty, I knew, was the only thing that kept me so much strong in front of everyone, and to my little brother as well. But it would be entirely different when I was left alone... such a shame, such a shame that I could not help it. Crying was the only thing I could do beside praying, but what was this? What was that Goddamn feeling, killing us bit by bit?
Do you understand that feeling, the feeling of a hopeless person who could not do a thing but curl up in a corner of the stair, surrounded by frightening darkness, crying and praying and chewing her lower lips yet her right hand did not stop clutching the cellphone? The hopelessness and completely heart-breaking anxiousness that were piercing my heart every time I dared look at the cellphone, the exhaustion that beat me to sleep unknowingly yet my hand never loosened the damn thing that could have brought me the shocking news until morning?
Do you understand it, the way I've been feeling ever since that gloomy night until now? Do you?
Would you ever?
So doomed, so hopeless...That night was the longest night in my entire life, I was too exhausted from crying too much yet I could not sleep as I woke up every 5 minute, and stare dully at the cellphone, and cried, and dozed off, and so on until morning. No phone call, not a single one, I was half-dead and relieved. But the despair was still there, and I knew someday it would break me down. I'd never known my dear cellphone would be so deadly scary like that...someday it might be a weapon that stabs my heart, I just know it.
Relief at every single second becomes more precious than anything in the world.We are too aware of how delicate that relief is, but we are not allowed to give up. As I've been trying so hard to stand still and be everyone's shoulder to rely on, crying, I cannot help but wonder...why I always end up crying alone, and in everyone's eyes, I'm still considered as a cold, arrogant freak. Maybe I deserve that name, and maybe that's why dad told me to do grandparents' photos the other day...it must be for the worst, death, funerals, gravestones...And I came to realize another thing that, making me do it, has to be the most cruel thing I've ever been asked to do in my whole life. I could have refused, I could have asked any of my friends to do it for me, I could have simply said no.
I didn't.It would be more painful to dad, and even though he always appears to be cool, I know better than that. So in the end I'd rather bear that on my own...and having been struggling with it for 2 days now. Every time I looked at any photo in the past, I ended up clutching my chest and crying my head off for the whole night, and the day after, and the loop of despair has been repeating itself in 3 days now.
Another realization made my heart sink. I've cried too much, never in 20 years of my damn life have I been this desperate, have I cried this much. I've cried most of the time in 4 days now, all night long I cried, in my sleep and nightmares my tears flow, the mornings I woke up, I also felt like crying but couldnt due to exhaustion, but when I turned on the computer and saw the photos I would cry again, and on my way to school, and Gosh, even in class I couldn't help myself...thinking of grandpa lying lifelessly in the cold bed forced my tears to come out again, and its such a shame that my friends saw it. Great, they now knew I'm not as strong as I always appeared to be, or,
I'm just a crybaby who couldn't even stop crying over such an inevitable!Inevitable...death really is inevitable...I had always been wondering why those people were trying so hopelessly to find a way to cure their family members, ones who had been destined to die in a short time, why they did not let them go in peace...but now...I've come to understand the irony that we also are trying to fight the inevitable, to hang on such a delicate thread of hope. I realize another bitter truth that as long as there's a sparkle of hope, I will continue praying and crying for him, we all will, just because he is our family. Call me stupid, stubborn, daydreamer, whatever names you can come up with, it would still be the same to me, I've already cried too much.
And I still am.
Since when did I become this much of a weak and pathetic human?We all are sharing the same pain and despair, but each of us has our own way of showing and hiding it. The only thing we all have in minds right now, I know, is regret. Regret for everything we've done to him. We had not treat him with the right attitude we were supposed to...he was sick and weak, he was complaining too much, overacting too much, and we had snapped at him! Gosh we had been annoyed, frustrated, mad, at a sick old man, for God's sake! He had been a little too much then, but after all, what in the BLOODY HELL gave us the RIGHT to fucking snap at him like that? For God's sake...he's our father, our grandfather...why did we do such a thing? Why the hell did we?
I still remember how I had been angry with him for being unfair to us, for always scolding and mocking my brother and sister for what they did not do, I was so mad that I had ignored him...
Gods I had ignored my half-deaf grandfather...oh my God...When he had told me to try my best to study, I had been annoyed for being underestimated and I tried to ignore him again. Or walk away. Or shake my head.
Oh my God why the fuck did I have to do that to him? My Gods...I had known too well he could not hear us well...No matter how I care for him, I have never asked him even a simple question "How are you?", even though I have always know he loves me the most among all his grandsons and granddaughters...though I came to visit him every week, or even every chance I had...
My Lord, what kind of a
monster am I?
Do I even deserve to be called human?I certainly do not.
Oh my God what have I done to him? What have I done to him? What have I...done to my only grandfather? WHAT HAVE I DONE? OH MY GOD...I should be the one who's going to die, not him...he really does not deserve that...
What have I done to him... oh my God....it hurts, it hurts too much...
Why did I do such a thing? How could I do such a thing? He's old, for God's sake, he had been trying too desperately to get our attentions just because all he had ever needed was simply our love..Oh my Gods, oh my dear Gods...he had been trying to do all those annoying things just because of that reason, the reason we've known too well and yet we had been unfair to him...What kind of an irony is this?
What have I done...what have we done to our poor grandfather?
Now he's just lying there, unconscious and dying, and I'm wishing to be scolded by him again...or just simply to hear his voice again...
Oh Gods I'm so desperate, I'm so desperate...I dunno what to do anymore...
I'm so desperate,
so hopeless...I got a chance to go into that evil white room today. It's been over 2 weeks I have not seen my grandfather and now when I saw him, lying unconsciously, I had to turn around and walk out of the room immediately for the fear I would cry uncontrollably in front of all those strangers...for God's sake, I could not even recognize him...so forlorn, so hurt...so dead...when my aunt walked out and cried like a baby, I knew I had to be strong again...for what, I did not even know...I wasn't even sure how long I could last myself...
I came into the room once again, ready to take all the outcome later. The new pain slammed at my heart again, it took my everything to keep myself stand still and my tears from flowing. That sucked, that situation sucked, even with my Aunt there with me I was still shaking, how could I dare think of a day my grandpa would be like this, and yet it came like nothing out of ordinary, like the most normal thing in the world.
Yes it is.
But to me, it has to be my worst despair.
I was touching his burning forehead and clutching his swollen hand, gently, and he did not know a thing. Not anymore.
He could not speak anymore. Breathing is already hard enough...
Everything he had wish for, every love and attention he had try so desperately to get, was now his and his alone, yet he did not know a thing.
He just did not know a thing.
Ironic, isn't it?How long is this going to last? How many times is it going to crush my heart into shards? I really don't know...
I'm way too scared of the answer. I'm scared of reality. I'm so scared of this life now...
One thing is for sure, when the others were still clinging a bit more by his side since we only have 1 hour to see him per day, I had to leave the room again shortly before I completely broke down, physically and mentally. That was too much, way too much.
When the first teardrop fell, I knew it was time to leave before anyone could see it.
So pathetic I am...Had I known there would be this day, I never would have done those things.
I never would have being stubborn and cold.
I never would have tried to ignore him...
I...I never would have walked away that night, just a few hours before he was sent to the hospital...I would have done everything, sacrifice everything, just for a little more time being with him at home, listening to whatever he had to say, enduring everything, everything from him.
Because I love him.
I love him too much!My dear Jesus, is it too late to say that now?Anger comes after tears and despair is such a messy combination of them both. So hopeless, so desperate...
My God, will my sins ever be forgiven?
I am so sorry, grandfather.
I really truly am sorry.I wish time would turn back.
I wish I had never done those things to you...
I wish...our merciful Lord would show us His mercy and give us one more chance...just one more chance, and I swear, I swear...
nothing like that would happen again
I wish...
I wish...
Oh Gods I wish, how I wish...I wish I was not so desperate like this so I would be able to wish for the right thing.
Just because I saw you today,
I felt like my delicate hope died a little more inside...
my already shattered heart died a lot more than you could ever know...and
I'm dying in despair, it seems.
But I have to believe.Please give him back to us, my Gods, give him back to me...
please...
I will do anything, everything.
just, please...Memory must be the most dangerous weapon in the world...it can crush your soul into pieces of tears and sorrow within the shortest moment. So frightening. I fear.Sympathy would not be what I need right now. Nor pity. If you've never been through this, trust me, you will never, ever understand what I'm feeling right now. But, as a matter of fact, probably everyone will have to go through this living hell, sooner or later, for life is a hopeless string of loss and tears and despair.
I guess that all makes us humans, humans.
And we human beings are just all hopeless and desperate.Would it be possible for me to die from crying too much? 
A goodbye 
Miserable
Gallery 
Hopeless
Adoration
Thank you so much Laura-chan, you're the best kouhai and friend I've ever had! 
my best friend's gorgeous work first!
~
